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Hi there,
What do you want to eat?
Seems like a simple question, right? Well for me,
it's a tough one. Too many choices! Out of all the
thousands of dishes we could eat, how can I pick just one?
And I know exactly what that is: It's because
I'm a Builder, and Builders prefer yes-no questions.
(Curious why? Builders have Sacral energy that responds
with an on/off uh-huh/unh-uh switch, and it's that
energy which knows exactly what to do, but only for a
binary yes/no question. For open-ended questions? Too
many choices, hard to pick one from the air.)
Types like to talk a certain way
If you want to improve your conversation with ANYONE, it
helps to know their type. Don't know? Ask! (you might
be surprised how many know theirs). And if they
don't, you can point them to
livecorrectly.com. Let me know if you send anyone over, and I'll send
you a little thank you gift :)
Knowing the other's Type can improve communication
in any context
I break it down based on type below. I'm including
the original Human Design terms along with the new Human
Design for Business terms, since more people are familiar
with the former.
Builders (Generators)
Like I said at the beginning, Builders like yes-no
questions.
If you're a coach, you might have learned that this
is a big no-no. I was taught that only if you give people
an open-ended question will they actually share more.
In my experience, this is totally not true (at least with
Builders!)
If you ask a Builder a yes/no question, it gives them a
way to get started—it's like opening the flood
gates—and this allows a whole lot more words to come out.
When I'm asked these open-ended questions (especially
from Advisors who haven't been invited), I get super
anxious and my mind basically stops working.
So please help Builders like me. It's easy to do!
Switch from questions like "What did you think about
that?" to something "Did you like that?"
And if you can't formulate a yes/no question, try at
least having something concrete. Asking "how do you
feel about something?" isn't too hard, because
there is a an answer that I can find my checking my body.
If instead the question is "what do you want to do
now?" I immediately start looking for something to
respond to, rather than being able to really know what I
want to do.
Advisors & Evaluators (Projectors & Reflectors)
This is where the open-ended questions earn their keep.
These types are able to respond beautifully without all
that overwhelm that comes from an infinite amount of
choices.
With a design which is designed to be super aware of the
people around them, you might not even need to ask so many
questions! They might just recognize what you are thinking
about, and then they ask you questions.
Rather than a specific style of communication, what's
important for Advisors is to invite them.
If you have an Advisor / Projector friend who you want to
feel appreciated, use the specific words "I'd
like to invite you to ..." and make it specifically
to them: not a mass email.
The explicit invitation is what your Advisor /
Projector friends are waiting for.
Let them know that the invitation is about a recognition
of their specific gifts, and that is why you are inviting
them. I guarantee they will love it.
Initiators (Manifestors)
Initiators in general
hate being asked questions. They like
nothing more than for people to just leave them alone and
allow them to do what they want. If they're curious
about something, they will ask. And if they're not,
they won't.
The downside for you (the non-Initiator), is they're
basically the opposite of Advisors: unaware of others and
focused on themselves. This is not a bad thing! Being
self-focused is what allows them to bring new things into
the world. But if you are looking for something from them,
they probably will be oblivious to it.
So how do you let them know you need something without
asking them questions? Inform them.
Inform them of what you need, and allow them to
offer the work. Trade "can you do this for me?"
with "I'm really struggling with this." You
can even include statements about why this is important to
you. Informing instead of asking.
And if it's right for them, they will then invite
you, or offer something to you.
Do it for your kids
If you have kids, learning these communication skills will
change your life. Just this weekend, I was talking with an
Advisor who learned her kids were Builders. She used to
ask them "what do you want to eat?" and would
just get glazed looks.
So she started giving options:
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Do you want Italian?
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Do you want pizza?
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(And if yes) Do you want pepperoni?
You get the point.
Giving children autonomy to choose can help them live
correctly.
And you know what? It worked wonders. From glazed looks to
clarity on choosing what their body actually wants. It
helps them trust that their own bodies are telling them
what they want. And this will serve them hugely as they
grow up.
As for Advisor (Projector) / Evaluator (Reflector)
children, ask them open-ended questions for what they
want. And if they are Initiators (Manifestors), either
state what is being served, or inform them that they need
to tell you what they want.
Again, experiment.
Human Design is perfect for children. We as adults have
been taught this later in life and so need to let go of
all of the conditioning of the Not-Self. If we were all
taught to trust our unique selves rather than what the
mainstream said was "correct", there would be
more self-love and less anxiety in the world.
(And I suppose fewer courses trying to teach people to be
someone else, sold to those who would be better off trying
self-acceptance and self-love)
Eating advice for Builders (and those who love them)
aka Choosing Where to Eat on a Date by Design
Again for those Builders and for those who know Builders
(so that covers just about everyone on the planet), always
ask the yes/no question,
even if you're the one suggesting it!
This is crazy, but true. If I ask someone if they want
Italian, and they say yes, we might get there and then I
realize I didn't even want Italian. I know it's
crazy, but it happens.
The solution? Have the other person ask you back: "Do
you want Italian?" and then allow the yes/no response
answer. That way you'll be assured that you BOTH are
going to where you want.
And if you can't read the signs, even better to
just follow your gut!
And what to eat
Ok so you get to the restaurant. You look at the menu and
it's OVERWHELMING. No idea what to order.
Here's what I do: look at each item on the list and
feel whether you want it or not. Reading the description
is fine, but
don't think about if you want it.
Just allow your body to respond. You can either go through
every item, or just grab the first one you respond to.
Don't even ask for suggestions. When I ask for
suggestions, I'm disappointed. When I just follow
what my body responds to, I'm nearly always
satisfied.
And for the non-Builders
This whole thing with needing to respond is primarily a
Builder issue. So if you're not a Builder, you
probably don't struggle with this. But if you do, try
the Builder advice and see how that works.
You might think that Advisors need to wait to be invited.
While this is preferable, please don't make the
mistake that Advisors can't ask someone else out to
get some food! I talked about this last week, so
check out the previous issues
if you've forgotten.
Trying this out
I sound like a broken record, but just try it out.
Experiment. Since about 65% of people are Builders, try
switching to yes/no questions and see: do they just say
YES or NO and stop? Or do they, as I have found, give the
answer and then elaborate. Even without knowing anything
about Human Design: this is how their body just works, not
anything they need to learn.
Experiment with everything and you'll find what
works best for you.
In summary, if you want to have better conversations:
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Ask Advisors and Evaluators open-ended questions
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Ask Builders yes/no questions
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Don't ask Initiators anything; just inform them.
With love,
Shawn
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